Saffron Blues
by Swiper. No swiping
Summary: I'll tell you where you can shove those Poffins.
1. 1

You know. Saffron City started out like most cities in Kanto. Pretty small farming community out in the middle of nowhere. This was like, hundreds of years ago. Well okay, actually more than two thousand years ago, but who gives a crap. Saffron, like most cities in Kanto, was settled during the whole government push to move the population eastward from Viridian and Pewter. Anyway, just so happens that about a hundred people happen to settle in the same place, which would later become Saffron City. Not a bad location, they figure. In the middle of the wide-open plains. Plains were pretty much a new concept to everybody, since it's not like Johto has enough room in it for two people to take a shit at the same time.

But the early years of Saffron were apparently hellish and poorly documented. Settlers were fooled into thinking that the plains experienced mild weather, because when winter rolled around it was much better than winters in Viridian had been. Only a little snow. Maybe for like a few days, before it all melted. Barely dropped below freezing at all. I obviously wasn't there. I wouldn't know. I've spent some time in Saffron so I can only guess as to what it was like back then. So the winter was mild. The real trouble started when spring rolled around, and the sky suddenly went black and a giant rotating column of death ran the city over. And whatever was left of it got alternately burned down and washed out by the following storms. Nobody had any idea what the hell was going on.

So after a straight week of squall after squall, with all the hundred settlers cowering in a ditch or something, suddenly the sky cleared up. Just as it began, it ended completely unannounced. And then while everybody's finally looking outside to see if there's anything left of the town–and it's likely that there wasn't–the sky went dark again and the whole cycle repeated. Again and again. Who knows how many times. Again, I wasn't there. But spring in Saffron City is when Mother Nature goes on the rag and attempts to kill everything that moves.

A lot of people packed up on their Tauros and moved on while they could. Other people had already killed and ate their Tauros, so they were fucked. But as luck would have it, it was just about time for Mother Nature's stanky pussy to air out, and air out it did. Sky goes clear, air dries out. And it finally got hot without fluctuating in temperature like it had during spring. Maybe they didn't realize it right at the time, since there were more important things to do like attempting to find your claim of land underneath all the fuggin' rubble. But turns out the savannah where they settled is the perfect place to grow saffron crocuses. At the time saffron was the crop equivalent of gold, mind you. One wet season, one dry season, doesn't drop below freezing too often, doesn't go over one-hundred too much. If you're a saffron bulb, that shit sounds like paradise. If you're a resident of Saffron City, well, all you have to do is find some way to survive the spring seasons and bam. You're in business.

So in the years to come, the settlement started racking up an insane amount of money. Enough to at least buy some buildings that weren't made of wood. Fast forward to the present day, and nobody really grows saffron anymore. Maybe over in Lavender where there's a little more room. Saffron, on the other hand, is the cultural and business hub of the whole eastern region. The biggest city in Kanto.

And its existence only serves the purpose of pissing me off.  
Really.

Vernon and I have been sitting in this van for who knows how long. Hours. Many more than it should take. We've barely driven twenty miles from the train station, and we're stuck in traffic on the A35 Beltway. Just staring at taillights all day. Blaring The Melvins on the stereo. Not that I particularly like that band or anything, but it was in the company car when I got it, and now we're in the company car with it.

After Vernon successfully takes a fat hit from his pipe, he speaks.  
- - - Hey Nolan. Did you know that over 40% of all Pokémon trainers report that their first sexual experience was with one of their Pokémon?

This is Vernon Danforth. He is one of the best journalists in the whole goddamn circuit. Based in Goldenrod, because he is under the firm belief that Kanto is for fags. He is probably right. Some would say he's downright evil. He's got what it takes to be a legend. He's got a marvelous persona. If you can recognize what I'm quoting there, I like you already.

- - - What.  
- - - In fact, half of that forty say that all their sexual experiences have been with Pokémon, and that all their sexual experiences will be with Pokémon.  
- - - That's disgusting.  
- - - Right? But it makes sense if you think about it. I mean, you're sending these pre-pubescents off into the wilderness alone to take care of an animal, which is a big responsibility in itself. But then all of a sudden they hit puberty, and who do they have to take it out on? No one, except these little tiny animals that have been their only friends for two or three years already. Pokémon don't say no. Pokémon don't say anything except for their fucking names. That's why they really have to raise the minimum age one can become a Pokémon trainer. Fuck it, maybe even all the way up to eighteen. Give the kids a high school education first.  
- - - And people wonder why this country is suffering from such a high illiteracy rate.  
- - - Took the words right out of my mouth. Another pleasant effect is that way you'll stop people from becoming sick fucks like Koga. Did you watch the tape?  
- - - Nah, can't say that I did.  
- - - Really. I thought that everybody had seen it by now. Aren't you from Fuschia? You're pretty much fucking obligated to watch it, you fag.  
- - - I'm from Vermilion.  
- - - Oh. Haha. How are the hurricanes.  
- - - Up yours.  
- - - Anyway, the whole scandal kind of peaked my interest because I always wondered how Koffings have sex. The thing's just a giant orb of smog with a gay-ass grin on its face, like, how the hell does it hump another Koffing, much less the gaping anus of a soon-to-be ex-gym leader faggot.  
- - - So wait, does he like, take it up the ass from a Koffing?  
- - - You would think, since the way I thought it all of his Pokémon were male. But as it turns out, the blowholes on the Koffing give you some super pleasurable sucking sensations–  
- - - Oh god. That's fucked up.  
- - - Well that's what he told the camera, anyway.  
- - - Why the hell would somebody tape themselves doing that? Much less a celebrity–

Vernon tells me to shut up with one finger so that he can take another hit from his pipe. Can't blame him. Meanwhile, I'm just pressing the brake down. Letting it go for a second, then pressing it down again. Stuck behind a giant truck, watching its fake testicles bounce up and down. Some hick asshole over from Lavender. Probably here for the Pokécontest, just like everybody else.

Just like me and Vernon.  
Now's as good a time as any to snort a bunch of OxyContin and pretend I enjoy being alive.


	2. 2

- - - Hold the wheel for a second?

We're not going anywhere, but I catch his drift. Just in case we do start moving in this traffic jam. I grab the wheel as he doubles over, snorting Oxy off the CD case in his lap. The Melvins are going blind, and I try in vain to get a cherry off the glass pipe in my hand. It's already out.  
Nolan shoots back up like he's surfacing from the ocean, breathing in deeply, savoring it as if he's been without.  
Laugh as he grabs the wheel at ten and two as if nothing's going on. Everything is as it should be. Let go of the wheel, myself and light my pipe again.

It hits me a lot stronger than it should. Sometimes I lose focus.

- - - People tape themselves at their worst as proof to themselves that it isn't a fantasy anymore.  
- - - This day and age, it's hard to tell the difference.  
- - - Yeah, exactly. Guarantee you he didn't think anyone would ever find it, or even the concept as a possibility.  
- - - Eh?  
- - - I mean. Uh. He didn't even consider anyone finding it in the first place. Like, that wasn't even an idea to him at the time. He taped it to watch himself, to remember that moment for as long as he lived. Others weren't even considered.  
- - - It's still disgusting.  
- - - Quite a world we live in, eh Nolan?

He doesn't say anything and I don't blame him. I'd keep my mouth shut, too, if I had it in me.  
Nolan's good people. He reminds me a lot of myself, only he's more reserved, polite and thinks things through. I have a bad habit of kicking doors in and blundering my way through any given situation. It's gotten me as far as I've gotten, but I couldn't tell you if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  
Conceal the pipe within the armrest and dig a pack of cigarettes out of the pocket on the left side of my button up shirt.

- - - You know smoking is bad for you, right?  
- - - He says, lighting a cigarette.  
- - - I say, lighting a cigarette. I'll narrate my own goddamn life, thank you.

It's a writing joke. You probably don't get it. Or maybe you do, and it just isn't funny.  
I could sense you weren't laughing.

- - - Why journalism?  
- - - Why not? Shit, kid. People, they say my view of the world is distorted, and they still eat it up like candy. They love to hate me and hate to love me. It's how my existence works. It's how it's worked for a very long time.  
- - - I wouldn't expect any other kind of answer.  
- - - Perhaps I'm too predictable.  
- - - I didn't mean that as a bad thing.  
- - - Neither did I. You know what they say about rare candies?  
- - - They say a lot of things about rare candies. Be more specific.  
- - - Well you know why they're trying to ban them now, right?  
- - - Something vague and stupid about forced evolution not being the natural order of things?  
- - - Yeah, not just for pokemon.  
- - - How do you figure?  
- - - Have you ever eaten a rare candy?  
- - - Uh. No.  
- - - Never even considered it, did you?  
- - - Can't say I have.  
- - - Some kids recently tried eating it up in Kanto. Lost their goddamn minds. Ended up being this big debacle. Eventually, certain political parties decided to address a problem, but they knew they couldn't just come out and say it was a drug problem - that might encourage people to try it. They're walking on eggshells, trying to put a stop to this before it becomes a problem.  
- - - No shit?  
- - - No shit. It's why I got fired from my last gig. I refused to do anything but be honest about the issue. Always remember this, Nolan. The shame of a man isn't in his actions. We are beasts with pockets. Pockets with monsters in them. The shame is not admitting that.  
- - - You ever think about trying it?  
- - - I already have, apparently.  
- - - What do you mean by that?  
- - - Well, apparently my parents were really bad parents. And they left their shit all over the place, not thinking about it. And when I was two, a brand new rare candy that had been left on the coffee table somehow looked appetizing to me.  
- - - Oh no.  
- - - Oh yes. My mom wanted to call poison control. My dad was too afraid to, given the fact that they would probably take me away from them, and for a pretty damn good reason, you know?  
- - - Right. Jesus. What happened?  
- - - What happened? Well, obviously, I survived it. My parents split up and I grew up to be an eccentric journalist.  
- - - Did you, like, puke it up, or something?  
- - - Put it this way,

I say, tossing my cigarette butt out the window and rolling it up manually. I look over at him and make eye contact.

- - - You ask either one of my parents about that. They both hate each other, never want to speak to one another ever again. They disagree on a lot of things, but on this subject, they'll both tell you the exact same goddamn thing.  
- - - What's that?  
- - - I didn't turn out right.

I start laughing and digging for the pipe again.


	3. 3

Fucking traffic here is terrible. I've been behind this godforsaken white van for about three hours now. Shit, the slowpoke outside my car is going faster than me.  
I'm honestly pretty chill on the outside, but on the inside, I'm in a rage. I've got my daughter this pokewhateveritis for her birthday. She wants to go on some adventure with what she hopes is her favorite pocket man thing. She told me to find and catch this Lucario thing, but I'm not about to have my ass in the cold mountains searching for one. The rat thing I got will have to do. I don't think I even caught the little bastard correctly; I kind of beat it to unconsciousness and threw the ball container doohickey at it. It seemed to work. I guess. I never got into the poké trainer field. I'm a janitor by trade, for...Arceus's sake?

Huh.

I don't even know what I worship. I mean, do we humans worship Arceus? Or those time and space weirdos? What about mew and mewtwo and all that jazz? It'd be cool for our god to be weird, like a freaking Pidgey. Hell yeah. That sounds pretty tight.

On second thought, why would I serve a god in the first place?

Well. Bummer may horus.

So that fucking van won't stay still. I can hear the Melvins beating the doors of the kidnapper van. They must be doing oxycontin. No one can stand the Melvins without the oc. I can't blame them either. They seem like good people just trying to get by. Or, at least, that's the bumper sticker portrays. I have that one too.

I call my girl back in Viridian. I says to her I'm gonna be late, and she takes it as nicely as possible by screaming through the phone about how I should've gotten the pokeman earlier and not two days after her daughter's birthday and yada yada yada. I tell her she'll get it when she gets it, and I hang up. I hate it when I dial the wrong number.

The radio is bursting out Sufjan. Some journalist hack named Vernon suggested that shit after interviewing me for a poll on pokephilia. The sickest conversation I had in a while, and somehow it ended with music recommendations. He seemed like good people, so I tried it out. It's in my radio now. Did that answer your question? Are you done?

Why do I argue with you, o great brain of mine? I'm sorry, and I love you.

I just moved the car about three feet. Whoopee.

Progress, bitch.

The van is smoking out the tailpipe like a tobacco smoking Koffing. I honestly don't want to know why.

The rat wakes up in the back and starts saying it's name. I hate that, so I obviously need to drown it out. Bye, Sufjan. Hello, Death Grips. I play the loudest song I can think of, whilst wondering why no one else likes what I like.

It's super effective.

That rat is just covering It's little plebian ears, unable to appreciate the fine art of "teaching bitches how to swim". It can't handle the pure dope beats that rock its little mind apart, and boom. Cleanup on aisle "damn it".

The worst thing is, I have to wait in this traffic to find an exit to go find a store, buy bleach, go buy another pokeman thing ball, find another rat, and get back in the traffic.

Fuck the traffic.

Im going offroad.

"I'M IN YOUR AREA, I'M IN YOUR, YOUR AREA" bursts from the radio as I accelerate at a high pace of 2 mph through traffic and past the white van and into the guardrail. The airbag deploys and the "smart car" shuts down.

I may have inadvertently caused more traffic delays today, but it's fine.

I did O.K.

Right?


	4. 4

When I first read the title of this story it was cool though you should make some chapters with ash and Sabrina as a couple it will get a lot of reviews. - guest.

Alright.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

"Oh ash", Sabrina sez, "we're a couple nao."

Cool beans.

"That's all you've got to say?"

Yep.

"Hmmph" she explasticates.

Can I teach you how to swim?

"Fuck off with your rap bullshit. No one cares."

Fine. I've got all the coconuts, bitch.

"Shut up."

...

"..."

Holy shit, did you see that guy?

"Whoa. He just tore past that white van at 2 mph."

Oh, Jesus, he's in the guardrail. What a tool.

"Heh. I know right?"

Smart car drivers are communists, baby. Remember that.

"I'll keep that in mind love."

Hmm. That van is playing the Melvins. They're probably too high to care about the volume level.

"Ooh, I love the Melvins!"

You would.

"Oh, don't start with me."

This traffic is making me hungry...got any bread?

"Don't you even..."

Fine. I'll make it. It's not like we'll be moving today.

"Pikachu." sez a small voice behind me.

Quiet. My soaps are on.

"Pika?"

No, we aren't there yet.

"Pika-Pi?"

We'll stop at the Marmalade Shack later, buddy.

"You can understand him?" sez my beloved.

No, bitch. Only in some self insert fanfiction would that happen.

"True."

Damn straight.

"Let's get off soon."

Oh, I catch your drift.

"Ash, come on. I meant exit this goddamn highway."

As soon as this van moves, I will.

"Fine."

Oh, and Sabrina?

"?"

What do they say when a man loves a pokemon?

"I dunno."

You've gone and fucked up.

"...what prompted that exactly?"

Coconuts.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Ash Ketchum, a 10 year old boy with a driver's license and all the coconuts, in an attempt to escape traffic, uses his car as a battering ram. If it weren't for two brave souls in a white van which stopped the raging Prius, the fate of these poor souls stuck in traffic might have been interesting.

Ah well.

Excuse me while I go screw my pokemon wife. This is generic news man, signing out.

* * *

**This chapter and the one previous were both written by Marmalade Jacket.  
The second chapter was written by cornwallace.**  
**I forgot to credit them because I'm fucking lazy.**

There is a plot here somewhere, I swear.  



End file.
